Friday, May 3, 2013

Oh Crap!

Disclaimer: I don't know what makes me write stuff like this, I will most likely grow-up to be one of those really old guys who always wants to talk to you about his colon. I hope those of you reading will sympathize with my plight and maybe even a few of you will be in the "been there done that" club. Ok, enough talk! Hope you enjoy the story!

Sitting quietly in the turkey blind, watching the woods awaken on a beautiful spring morning, the peaceful solitude is suddenly disturbed. Out of the darkness, you hear a low rumbling sound, as if a freight train is hurtling toward your position. As you strain your senses, to hear and determine the cause of this rude interruption, you realize against all your worst fears, that the sound is coming from your lower intestines.

This predicament causes you much angst as you realize that a trip outside of the turkey blind now will most certainly spook the entire field for the remainder of the morning. As you fight back the growing discomfort, you know that your time is limited. Checking your watch you think, I can hold it 6 more hours. As beads of sweat break out on your forehead and goosebumps appear on your arms, you realize that you are totally lying to yourself. The cinqo de mayo celebrations, consisting of 4 jalapeno laced burritos, 5 spoonfuls of spicy salsa, 4 hot wing appetizers and 6 Coronas will sadly have their revenge. With a heavy heart, you come to the conclusion that the rebel uprising will not be quelled lest the Mexican invasion be eradicated.

Searching your pockets, all you manage to find is dryer lint and the powered remains of what, may at one time have been paper towel. Frantically, you rummage through your turkey vest finding only spare shells, Redman chaw, a box call and the dried mummified remains of something that may have once been a ham sandwich. Cursing now with displeasure, discomfort and distaste at your complete failure to prepare for this catastrophe, you begin to eyeball the upper two thirds of your brand new smart wool socks. Remembering that they cost you 20 bucks you quickly make the decision to find an alternative. Staring out of the blind window, you try to remember exactly what poison ivy looks like, while at the same time trying to forget that you badly failed botany in college.

Now completely and utterly on the verge of total collapse, you quietly squeeze under the blind wall and fumble for a handful of nearby shrubbery. As thorns tear into the softest part of you palm, you let out a soft whimper and speedily search for a plant less likely to leave your bottom permanently mutilated. With frightening clarity, your mind projects a picture of the Canadian flag and you remember something about a maple leaf. Seeing a tree now with a similar adornment of photosynthesizing projections, you grab an entire handful.

With all of these delays, you have now reached terror alert level red! Tearing at your belt buckle, like you have lobster claws for hands, you somehow manage to drop your drawers. Your mind screams NOW and in seconds, you are overcome with happiness, the battle for intestinal tranquility is won!

While doing what you can to clean up the crime scene, you note a large double beard tom slide quietly back into the woods and you realize that in all wars there are survivors and there are casualties, to the victor goes the spoils so to speak. You have won today Mr. Turkey but watch out for me tomorrow, for I come armed with Imodium and cheese!!


  1. I was thinking about participating in the Spring Turkey season this year, but if this is the type of situation I can expect ....

  2. Awesome, made me laugh. Show me a hunter who hasn't faced this situation and you have found someone that refuses to admit he used that brand new shirt or those $20 socks!!! :) Trying to keep this from happening is usually what makes me late for the woods.

  3. Thanks all for the comments!

    Passinthru . . . I agree that anyone who states this has never happened to them is LYING! LOL!

  4. Ask Tugboatdude about our story like this. You can never get away from the "ruining your hunt" aspect of this, but at least you can make it more comfortable by always packing one of those travel-size TP rolls. They sell them at drugstores, supermarkets, etc....I guess for people whose heineys are too sensitive for "hotel grade paper."

    I just don't want to use corn husks or greenbriar leaves again :(


    That's when you turn to the sleeves of your t-shirt. Just sayin'.

  6. Jodi, You had me at "sleeve" . . . lol!

  7. ST, corn husk and greenbriar . . . that just gave me the shivers. HAHAHA!

  8. Well, you know.. I DID grow up in the woods. And my Dad is a logger. You learn these tricks young. :-x


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