Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Outdoorsman Eat Garbage

Bacon, doughnuts, soda pop, corn beef hash, greasy eggs and an extensive list of other unhealthy foods are typically attached to any of our early morning hunting and fishing outings. Though loaded with carbohydrates, fats and possessing bizarre powers capable of expanding bellies and asses to titanic sizes, they are perhaps, because of these attributes, the most perfect snack food for an active outdoorsman.

Of these ass expanding favorites, on the top of my list firmly sits the Twinkie snack cake. Oh sure, there are other competitors who have vied for my attention over the years and on occasion I have deviated from the Twinkie and explored other snack cakes. Little Debbie Fudge Rounds, Hostess HoHos, Ding Dongs, Suzy Os, Zingers, Drake Yodels and Coffee Cakes have all, at one time or another suffered at the hands of my sweet tooth and overactive lower digestive system. Despite these delicacies ability to elicit almost instant diabetic shock, their saccharine laced goodness is to overpowering to resist.

Sitting in the duck blind that cold November morning, I have a vague remembrance of peering down at the strange, yellowish, oblong, spongy, cream-filled, pastry sticking to the palm of my hand and thinking, “I bet the shelf life for one of these things is close a millennium.” Years later, I would stumble upon the website twinkiesproject and some of my worst fears would be realized. Undeterred, by the experimentation on my friend “Twinkie the Kid”, my love affair with the noxious inorganic pastry continues.

Despite its strange appearance, a practically endless shelf life and the necessity of using five adjectives just to describe it, a Twinkie is something to be cherished when your body aches from the cold north wind, the ducks aren’t flying and you need some serious comfort food to get you through the morning. It is at these moments, that our minds focus our bodies energies into staying warm and nothing seems to fit this craving any better than that rich, high energy sugar filled snack food from Hostess.

An exploration of the ingredients label, on a package of Twinkies, is not for the faint of heart. Most of the ingredients would be difficult to pronounce, for even the most cunning linguist. Those words you would be able to wrap you tongue around would leave you breathless and dizzy just at the thought of their possible consumption. Though a chemical filled and preservative laden perversion, in moderation, they are delicious . . . just stay away from reading the ingredients list!


  1. Dude, I've never seen you eat one snack cake ever... are you some born again ding dong???


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