Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I have to admit that until my recent friendship, with those survivalist nuts over at http://www.shtfblog.com (FYI SHTF = S%&* Hits The Fan), I had never given much thought to TEOTWAWKI (The End Of The World As We Know It) and the “survival” mentality. These blog and websites are after all only filled with the paranoid ramblings of a bunch of crazies’ right? I guess what I have failed to grasp, in my quick to judge mentality, is that these folks are just like you and me. As a matter of fact many of them actually ARE you and me!

Most of these folks, we classify as “survivalists” are nothing more than simply folks who are better prepared than the average person for the unexpected. They posses a fine tuned understanding of what has to be done in any situation, in which natural and unnatural disasters might make regular life difficult to maintain. Depending on the group or individual, this might include anything from having extra food and water on hand to the more radical end creating stockpiles of weapons and ammo. If we are realistic, all of us could benefit from taking a look at some of these “preparation” guidelines, to ensure our family are protected should disaster strike.

As a fun write, I thought I organized the following posting for the survival nuts and the wanna bee survival nuts. Get out there and do some basic prep work, the life you save just might be your own! Enjoy!

AR15 Makes a GREAT Zombie Stomper! 
News flash, the world just ended. Last night while you slept, a giant asteroid filled with brain munching zombies slammed into the earth, creating a continent leveling tidal wave and setting off all of the volcanoes on terra firma. In some strange twist of fate, you still appear to have Internet access (otherwise how could you be reading this) and electricity for an amount of time impossible to determine. 

I am sorry to inform you but you are now SOL and left to spend what little time remains of your rather small and potentially inconsequential life, contemplating why you didn’t heed the warnings of the SHTF and TEOTWAWKI survival “nuts” and take some basic precautions. It is perhaps fortunate you decided not to get married and have children, because you are going to have a hard enough time with your personal survival without complicating it with more mouths to feed and bodies to defend from the flesh eaters.

Go ahead and have a good cry, yes you screwed up bad but there is a small chance you might potentially pull through this catastrophe, at least for a little while. So, after you recover from your very unmanly emotional collapse, dry your tears and put on your big boy pants because you have got some serious work to do, if you hope to have any chance of surviving the next 24 hours.

Why just a day, you inquire? Shouldn’t I set my sights a little further ahead like next week or next year you ask? No dummy, you had years to prepare, before the asteroid hit, and you refused. Instead of preparing you whiled away you’re available lazy days relaxing, drinking beer and playing video games. That chance has now come and gone, you need to concentrate on the here and now, if you expect to not quickly become an insignificant memory.

44 Magnum Zombie Vaporizer
First, the human body can’t survive long without water so run into your bathroom and fill up the tub. Yes, I am sure it is filled with soap scum, pubic hair and other remnants to horrible to mention but that mistah is YOUR fault. Just stop that drain and let the good times roll. In a few hours, dry mouth will eliminate your cares as to the cleanliness of this water AND despite how you feel about the before mentioned contaminants, they won’t kill you.

Second, I am going to guess that since you are a bachelor, you will have about 2-3 days of food left, after the electricity dies and your refrigerator goes kaput. I assume you realize you need to eat the refrigerator food FIRST and any pantry foods second. After a few days, much care should be taken on any foods that were refrigerated as they will begin to carry bacteria and other nasties that, if consumed, will make you wish a zombie had torn you limb from limb. Then again, eat it all now and enjoy your last meal because there is a good chance you aren’t going to make it much past today.

Third, it is important that along with the critical elements of water and food you also need to remember to breath. While the afore mentioned consumables are important, air is EXTREMELY important. You might even say it is the most important. So, you may ask how do I keep breathing? That is a very good question young Jedi and one that you are likely going to have to work out for yourself. Since you probably don’t have a gun to defend yourself and lack the very basic elements to fortify your position like nails, wood and a hammer, you are going to have to get creative. Couches, mommies china cabinet and other large pieces of furniture can be used to block doorways, just make sure to always leave yourself some means of escape. Kitchen knives, baseball bats, even a bar of soap in a tube sock are all viable means of increasing your lethal capacities, however, remember that with these limited means hiding will always be your most valuable weapon.

With Zombies When in Doubt Go BIG!
If you are very lucky, you may be able to stumble upon a group of others who are much more prepared than you were. Unfortunately, unless you have some valuable skill, unto which you can give back to the “team”, they are likely going to quickly tire of caring for and feeding you.  At that point you will either be cannibalized or used to lure zombies into a ring of fire.

Considering that following my basic instructions, you have miraculously managed to breath one more day, perhaps you have had time to think and explore the possible options and scenarios available to you. It is likely that you feel good about your 24 hour accomplishment and are thinking that this survival stuff is easy. Do you mind if I stop you right there and make a suggestion? Given that you are likely only delaying the inevitable, it is my opinion you should consider life as a zombie. I hear the hours are long and of course there is the brain/raw flesh eating thing but you also don’t have to worry about health care! So, ultimately don’t worry anymore lay back, relax, have a beer, open the front door and let the zombies nibble on your scalp, I promise it will all be over in a second . . . nirvana awaits!
Think you can survive on Hunting and Gathering after TEOTWAWKI? Think again! Country Boy Can't Survive! 


  1. I think you have to have plenty of ammo, food, and water. You tube search "zombie survival kit". People in America are loaded up with weapons and lots of ammo. People from other countries like England, New Jersey, and Australia only have baseball bats, because they are not allowed to own guns.

  2. Savage, I agree with your three critical survival elements!

    The Japanese high command stated during WWII that an invasion of the USA would result in MASSIVE Japanese casualties. They were quoted as saying that in AMERICA a gun would exist behind every blade of grass!


  3. Thankfully, Wendy and I have been paying attention. Calamity Jane at SHFTblog did a nice review on Wendy's book, "Surviving The Apocalypse In The Suburbs". I will have to take a look at the link at the bottom of the post ... I am curious.

  4. It was also stated that every man, woman, and child in Japan was prepared for an American invasion thus estimating the American casualties upon an invasion would be astronomical. Truman chose the bomb.

  5. DEM, Who have I got to shoot around here to get my "review" copy? :)

    You know I had always been under the impression that "country boys would survive" so I found it an interesting read. Hope you do as well.

  6. DDH, Doesn't it make you glad all those really smart Jewish nuclear scientists fled Germany?

    Hey do you remember when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor . . . Germans? Forget it he's on a roll!

  7. It turns out that you just need to shoot me you mailing address and we can work out that review copy. You've got my email address.


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