I have to admit that
until my recent friendship, with those survivalist nuts over at http://www.shtfblog.com (FYI SHTF = S%&*
Hits The Fan), I had never given much thought to TEOTWAWKI (The End Of The
World As We Know It) and the “survival” mentality. These blog and websites are
after all only filled with the paranoid ramblings of a bunch of crazies’ right?
I guess what I have failed to grasp, in my quick to judge mentality, is that these
folks are just like you and me. As a matter of fact many of them actually ARE
you and me!
Most of these folks,
we classify as “survivalists” are nothing more than simply folks who are better prepared than the average person for the unexpected. They posses a fine tuned understanding of what has
to be done in any situation, in which natural and unnatural disasters might
make regular life difficult to maintain. Depending on the group or individual,
this might include anything from having extra food and water on hand to the
more radical end creating stockpiles of weapons and ammo. If we are realistic,
all of us could benefit from taking a look at some of these “preparation”
guidelines, to ensure our family are protected should disaster strike.
As a fun write, I
thought I organized the following posting for the survival nuts and the wanna
bee survival nuts. Get out there and do some basic prep work, the life you save
just might be your own! Enjoy!
THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
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| AR15 Makes a GREAT Zombie Stomper! |
News flash, the world just ended. Last night while you slept,
a giant asteroid filled with brain munching zombies slammed into the earth,
creating a continent leveling tidal wave and setting off all of the volcanoes
on terra firma. In some strange twist of fate, you still appear to have
Internet access (otherwise how could you be reading this) and electricity for
an amount of time impossible to determine.
I am sorry to inform you but you are now SOL and left to
spend what little time remains of your rather small and potentially
inconsequential life, contemplating why you didn’t heed the warnings of the
SHTF and TEOTWAWKI survival “nuts” and take some basic precautions. It is
perhaps fortunate you decided not to get married and have children, because you
are going to have a hard enough time with your personal survival without
complicating it with more mouths to feed and bodies to defend from the flesh
eaters.
Go ahead and have a good cry, yes you screwed up bad but
there is a small chance you might potentially pull through this catastrophe, at
least for a little while. So, after you recover from your very unmanly
emotional collapse, dry your tears and put on your big boy pants because you
have got some serious work to do, if you hope to have any chance of surviving
the next 24 hours.
Why just a day, you inquire? Shouldn’t I set my sights a
little further ahead like next week or next year you ask? No dummy, you had
years to prepare, before the asteroid hit, and you refused. Instead of
preparing you whiled away you’re available lazy days relaxing, drinking beer
and playing video games. That chance has now come and gone, you need to
concentrate on the here and now, if you expect to not quickly become an
insignificant memory.
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| 44 Magnum Zombie Vaporizer |
Second, I am going to guess that since you are a bachelor,
you will have about 2-3 days of food left, after the electricity dies and your
refrigerator goes kaput. I assume you realize you need to eat the refrigerator
food FIRST and any pantry foods second. After a few days, much care should be
taken on any foods that were refrigerated as they will begin to carry bacteria
and other nasties that, if consumed, will make you wish a zombie had torn you
limb from limb. Then again, eat it all now and enjoy your last meal because
there is a good chance you aren’t going to make it much past today.
Third, it is important that along with the critical elements
of water and food you also need to remember to breath. While the afore
mentioned consumables are important, air is EXTREMELY important. You might even
say it is the most important. So, you may ask how do I keep breathing? That is
a very good question young Jedi and one that you are likely going to have to
work out for yourself. Since you probably don’t have a gun to defend yourself
and lack the very basic elements to fortify your position like nails, wood and
a hammer, you are going to have to get creative. Couches, mommies china cabinet
and other large pieces of furniture can be used to block doorways, just make
sure to always leave yourself some means of escape. Kitchen knives, baseball
bats, even a bar of soap in a tube sock are all viable means of increasing your
lethal capacities, however, remember that with these limited means hiding will
always be your most valuable weapon.
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| With Zombies When in Doubt Go BIG! |
Considering that following my basic instructions, you have
miraculously managed to breath one more day, perhaps you have had time to think
and explore the possible options and scenarios available to you. It is likely that you feel good
about your 24 hour accomplishment and are thinking that this survival stuff is
easy. Do you mind if I stop you right there and make a suggestion? Given that
you are likely only delaying the inevitable, it is my opinion you should
consider life as a zombie. I hear the hours are long and of course there is the
brain/raw flesh eating thing but you also don’t have to worry about health
care! So, ultimately don’t worry anymore lay back, relax, have a beer, open the
front door and let the zombies nibble on your scalp, I promise it will all be
over in a second . . . nirvana awaits!
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Think you can survive on Hunting and Gathering after
TEOTWAWKI? Think again! Country Boy Can't Survive!
