Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Maine Guide’s Truck

This posting is obviously meant to be a humorous mixed account of the trucks driven by some of the best Maine Guides I know. These individuals are all high-end professionals, in the outdoor field, but are often lacking the funds to buy the brightest and shiniest new vehicles. Even the upkeep of our trucks is often accomplished by our own hard work and Yankee ingenuity. Our outdoors passions, often lead us into natural and unnatural conditions that put a beaten on our vehicles but it is the internal drive of the Maine guide that always pulls though in a pinch! So please enjoy this posting as a comedic look at one of the finest of historic professions, the Maine Guide.

As many of you may or many not be aware, there are a lot of “imposters” out there in the state forests and on the waters, making believe they are Registered Maine Guides. In order to enrich your experiences in the Maine woods and ensure that you are actually securing the services of a professional and not some scallywag, here are a few tell tale signs you should look for when you first meet your guide.

Of course one of the easiest ways to identify a Registered Maine Guide is to ask to see his guide license BUT quite honestly what fun would that be. Nothing says more about a man than his mode of transportation so read on!

NOT a Guide's Vehicle
If your guide picks you up in anything other than a TRUCK . . . run. I suppose an import like a Toyota Tacoma, T100 or even one of them fancy Honda Avalanches is Ok . . . BUT if he is a true master guide he will arrive in a beat-up Ford F150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram or anything sporting a Hemi. Also be cautious of the guide that shows up in a Hummer 1, 2 or 3 as he is obviously a show off and no guide in the world that I know could ever afford one of these means of conveyance.


To be a Maine guide at least one of the following items must have been used within the past year to repair your trucks exhaust system: heat tape, coat hangers or the remnants of a beer can. Master guides will know that a beer can, carefully cut with tin snips is capable of being layered between the heat tape and exhaust pipe to extend the life span of the tape so quiz your guide as necessary.

The radio antenna will be a coat hanger.

Be sure to search the glove box but be especially watchful for errant hooks, open jack knives and greasy engine parts. In the glove box there should be copies of the Maine hunting and fishing law books BUT  each publication will be at least 2-3 years out of date. If you find the books and they are not out of date, begin to raise your level of suspicion.

There will be a clanking or grinding sound coming from the engine that will only be apparent between 25 to 35 miles an hour. Slower and faster speeds will make a whirring sound.

The truck simply must have gun rack containing the classic .30-06 Springfield rifle (In a pinch a .30-30 is also acceptable) and a 12 gauge shotgun, however, the only ammo that should be found in the truck cab must be .270 and 20 gauge. If at any time you actually find a shell that will fit the firearms in the cab of the truck . . . RUN!

At least two tires on the truck must be bald.

A Dog, Feathers AND Hair!

Inspect the back of the truck for a large cooler. DO NOT OPEN THE COOLER, however, as if you have actually secured the services of a registered guide it is sure to contain rotten fish or animal parts from the past hunting and fishing season. Simply carefully smell around the edging to verify. Also, if you find a dog, blood, hair or feathers in the truck bed this is actually a GOOD sign and you can lower you level of suspicion.

If you can look down through the floor boards and see the ground you are in excellent shape.

The truck should be towing SOMETHING . . . ATV, Boat, Snowmobile, etc. If it is not make sure that the vehicle at least has a tow hitch.

The engine light MUST be on! If its not, ask to see the "guides" credentials immediately!

Bolted to the front dashboard will be a CB, Ham radio and VHF receiver. There might also be a GPS, shaking hula dancer, rabbit foot or mini statue of Jesus.

The audio system will readily accept 8 tracks BUT will also be wired to an Ipod. Unfortunately, the Ipod will only contain a library of 10 songs, nine of which will be sung by Hank Williams Jr. and the other one will be "The Second Week of Deer Camp".


  1. Sunshine? Convertible? Nah...can't be!!!

  2. And in the midst of the sided prose, where in the hell is your truck? Or better yet, what about the three guides who painstakingly convinced a said guide's truck out of the woods during a snow storm in the middle of nowhere... That would be a story, "RABID, JUMP!!!"

  3. Trey, thanks! Glad you enjoyed!

    Penbay, that happy lady in that convertable is none other than my mother . . . AND no she is not a Maine Guide!

    Capt. GH, I think that with a comment like that you should be required to e-mail me truck photos for posting ot the blog! lol!

    DDH, HA! All valid points! As some my not know I own a Toyota Tacoma (yes one of them damn imports!!) and it is mising both mudflaps on the right side and has an airconditioner that quit working a year after its purchase. I was a wildly unpopular mode of transport during bear guiding last season when temps reached 90 during most days!

    AND yes I did almost die that night but the key word s "almost"! HA!


Thanks for posting a comment. Your thoughts and suggestions are much appreciated!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...