The following is a letter I drafted over the weekend concerning the "Holy Grail" of all outdoor catalogs the coveted hard covered Cabelas Master Catalog. The letter is meant to be humorous and I have no plans of actually sending it to Cabelas. Hope you enjoy!
I have to admit, that I was severely disappointed in myself for not achieving “Hard Cover” status this year. I am truly sorry for letting you down and need you to understand why my typical ordering barrage in late September of last season was not up to the usual monetary amount. It is difficult for me to express in words the humiliation I have suffered over the past several weeks as family and friends have called me to “brag” that they had received their hard covered bundles of joy. With that said, let me explain my current situation in the hope that you will forgive me and possibly consider me for “ gold” status next season.
In September of last year, I had to undergo spinal surgery on my L4/L5 vertebrae to correct a severely herniated disc that had been causing me chronic pain for approximately 6 years. Finally the pain became to great and I was suffering from paralysis on my right hand side making walking any distance beyond 100 yards almost impossible. These factors forced me into a surgical option on September 15th. Well as you can imagine, the recovery from this type of operation is fairly long and I unfortunately missed much of the 2007-08 hunting season. Even with these issues, I still managed to shoot a deer and get out duck hunting on two occasions . . . proving that I am firstly stupid and secondly a “rabid” hunting fanatic.
Additionally, I should probably mention that at home I have a 2 year old and 2 month old that keep me fairly busy. While I am already working with the two year old to teach him about the wonders of the outdoors he is still on the small side for attempting duck hunting this season. Depending on interest, he may join Dad on the Spring turkey hunt. In the meantime, we enjoy thumbing through previous editions of your hard cover catalog and looking at all of the various hunting and fishing gear. Already I have started him on course with understanding the finer points of “brand” recognition and we regularly use editions of the Bass Pro and L.L. Bean catalogs to kindle our evening campfires.
On the one hand, I may not have provided you with a high level of customer support in the ordering of “gear” but you should know that I have recently become a Cabelas share holder. Yes that is correct, I own a whopping 50 shares of your fine company. I only provide this detail, so you are aware of my undying commitment to the Cabelas family. Jim and Dick I love you guys . . . err of course I mean that in a completely manly and heterosexual way!
the Rabid Outdoorsman
Don't you worry buddy... the Down East Duck Hunter got two this year and you can have one of them... so you don't have to shed any more tears and maybe if you spent some of your big bucks Ebenezer then maybe, just maybe, you'd have some lavatory literature!!!ReplyDelete
Hilarious!!!!You have got to send that to them!ReplyDelete
DEDH, Hey did you just call me CHEAP! LOL! You know I prefer the term thrifty! :)ReplyDelete
TBD, FYI, I sent to a friend at Cabelas for his enjoyment! It is quite possible it will make the rounds on their e-mail system! HAHA!ReplyDelete
Dude - I was also disappointed when I received my Cabelas....soft cover....catalog this year. I think the problem was that last season I ordered a bunch of stuff directly through Avery, which apparently sent my Cabelas purchase total into a downward spiral. Bastards. At least one of my coworkers got a hardcover.ReplyDelete