Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Ode to the Pee Bottle Part II

For more on this series please see part one to this post, Pee Bottle Part 1.

Like senior citizens attracted to McDonalds on an early Sunday morning, so to are hunters lured to the latest technological gadget promising to produce more game. For those sportsmen among us who have considered buying a certified hunting pee bottles from Cabelas or other big box store I only have to say, as Mr. T eloquently once stated, "I pity the fool". A man's pee bottle cannot be purchased off a shelf this is blasphemy! It must be fabricated and henceforth provided with its own individual personality.

When selecting your pee bottle, no single choice is more important than size. Yes, boys I hate to break it to you but size really does matter. Not only is it critical that your urinary urn be able to hold a significant quantity of fluid but the opening in said container should also be of "adequate" size. Show me a man who urinates into the diminutive opening in a plastic soda bottle and I will show you a man dying to be nicknamed "tiny". Guys my advice to you, lest you be forever taunted and stripped of your masculinity, select a container of no less than 32 ozs and a wide mouth opening that would make a porn star blush.

Choice of container is of course completely up to the individual. While there are many options to choose from sportsmen should take care to select a container that can take a fair amount of abuse. Nothing ends a hunt faster than having urine soaked clothing, except however for maybe a gunshot or gaping flesh wound. Now that Nalgene bottles have been scientifically proven unfit for holding fluids for human consumption why not convert them all to sanitary disposal units. They are made of Lexan and practically indestructible! After picking out an adequately sized "no more tears" plastic container, be sure to thoroughly inspect it for leaks and a tight fitting cap.

So the deer camp drunks at do not mistake your container as “Lemon” flavored Gatorade, be sure to clearly label your container to indicate it contains dangerous medical waste. I find a skull and cross bones is cool and also effectively gets the point across. While you are in a creative mood be sure to paint or use camo duct tape to cover your piss pot to cut down on its reflective abilities. Nothing scares deer faster than the shimmer of clear plastic, except for maybe a urine soaked deer stand, so plan accordingly.

Cleanliness is next to huntingness so every care should be taken to thoroughly wash out your pee bottle at least once per season. To eliminate the possibility of “overflow” issues you should also make sure to empty out your container after every trip to the stand location. Care should be taken when dumping said contents to not mistakenly pour them on your new hunting boots. However, it is VERY humorous to pour it on the stand locations, boots, etc. of your hunting partners. Just be warned that payback is a bitch. Lastly, never under any circumstances attempt a number two in your number one bottle.

I hope you enjoyed the article please leave a comment.


  1. Thank you for writing this, I'm a better man for reading... Be prepared for a serious flogging at Duck Camp this weekend!!!

  2. Glad you enjoyed it! Can't wait till tomorrow! Quack, quack, quack!


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