Monday, November 16, 2009

Ode to the Pee Bottle

Perched in my tree stand high above the forest floor, I have had hours and hours of time to think and contemplate new story ideas. As I ponder the plethora of articles written on hunting deer, there is certainly a significant challenge to write something different. Moon phases, the rut, rifle selection, camouflage patterns, cover scents, etc. all have been done a thousand times. What is an outdoor sports writer to do? To what desperate lengths will he sink to uncover new material? After an exhaustive review of my options and some deep soul searching, I have decide to challenge myself to write an article on the most understated and underappreciated piece of deer hunting equipment . . . the pee bottle. This is obviously meant to be humorous so please enjoy it as such and as usual don’t take anything I say to seriously!

Ode to the Pee Bottle Part I:
As the sun creeps slowly over the horizon, a heavy frost retreats from the cattail lined swamp. Sitting in my deer stand, I have a front row seat to the awakening of a beautiful new day. As I silently reflect on all of the other sunrises I have enjoyed over my lifetime, a sudden and unexpected shiver runs down my spine. Is it caused by the penetrating pre-dawn cold, the distant crunching of frozen leaves or perhaps a breath of wind blowing through a chink in my armor of winter clothing? No, it is the calling of that most basic of human bodily functions, angrily provoked by an entire pot of morning coffee.

Frantically digging through my gear, I am struck by panic. Further exploration into the depth of my backpack only justifies my fears, I had forgotten to pack that most valuable of deer hunting hardware, the pee bottle. As my molars put up sand bags and tonsils sing out a chorus of anchors away, my bladder swells to the breaking point! In this instant of pain and suffering, I am momentarily distracted by a distant memory from a simpler time.

80s big hair band Cinderella once sang a ballad entitled "Don't know what you got till its gone", as I began humming that infectious melody, I come to the sudden realization that there remained one final pocket I had failed to search. Fumbling for the zipper, a golden moment of Zen is attained when the contents are revealed to be an empty 32 oz, large mouth Gatorade bottle. It is at times like these, that it is easy to validate a pee bottles importance as second only to your rifle and possibly bullets.

For More Read the Completion of the Series Pee Bottle Part 2.


  1. My greater concern after drinking your coffee would be if there was any toilet paper in my pack...

  2. I'm not even sure if I dare comment on this. Another option... zip lock bags.

  3. Well, I enjoyed the first part. Can't wait for the follow up post. I salute you for taking the time to write this meaningful post.

  4. Ah humorous but true, I’m unable to count the times when I’ve been caught short in the most inconvenient places, though I don’t think me whipping out a pee bottle would be appreciated in the middle of Brenig country fair! Hope to read more posts like this.

  5. Emily, Zip lock bags? I hesitate to think about carrying that around in my backpack. Do you use the heavy ply freezer bags? In gallon or pint size? LOL!

  6. Mel, I messed my posting times on my followup article so it posted yesterday at 11:30 pm rather than am. Well, at least it finally posted, hope you enjoy part two.

  7. Murphyfish, Being genetically cheated by having a tiny tank I am always on the look out for the closest bathroom. Yes, I wouldn't be whipping out the twig and berries at the public fair! Haha!

  8. I'm not confident enough in my abilities to pee in most bottles, but I've used plenty of large coffee cups. I always feel kind of accomplished peeing outside, whatever the receptacle; after all, it's a far more complicated procedure for the fairer sex, and I'm equally appalled that companies are marketing pee bottles. Makeshift all the way! If I was a boy, I'd probably pee on the ground when outside hunting, is that bad? I'm a vegetarian, enlighten me.

  9. Ali,

    I agree, the “fairer sex” certainly has more challenges when peeing in the great outdoors. Over the years, I have seen women try every technique from pants down and let it fly to the female little jon. However, through it all one female product really stands on its own (no pun intended) . . . Google “Freshette” and before you know it you will be writing your name in the snow just like the boys!
    Yes, while hunting it is a good practice to keep things “contained”.

    Most animals are very in tune to their environments and strange smells (Urine, BO, etc.) can scare them off.

    Hmm, I am not familiar with the term “VEGETARIAN” so I had to look it up on Wikipedia. Apparently it is an old Indian word meaning “VERY POOR HUNTER.” :)


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